This picture was taken by Katie that day before Kyle died. They had gotten into the sugar and he is covered in it. I love it because it is a snapshot of a typical, happy, messy, wonderful moment of our daily lives...before everything came crashing down.
Today is a difficult day, it is the 2 year anniversary of the accident that took Kyle's life. I've felt it approaching like a dark cloud. There is a heaviness to it that hangs over me and permeates every moment. I don't like to think back about that day, the things that I experienced that day are memories I would gladly have erased from my brain. I never want to forget a moment of my time with Kyle but the memories of that day are like a poison in my brain. They sneak up on me at the most unexpected moments, driving in the car, watching Katie or Kobe sleep, hearing a song on the radio will bring it all back, the flood of horrific images and memories I try to keep locked away in a dark corner of my mind. If I let myself walk around every day remembering those things, I couldn't function, I'd have to be locked away in a loony bin. How can you live and be happy while having images of your child bleeding to death in your mind? Once you have felt the coldness of death on your child's skin and watched his casket lowered into the ground, how do you ever laugh at a silly joke again? It's something I have struggled with for 2 years now. I feel like I have gotten better at it, I've learned how to contain the bad memories and lock them away and try to only remember the good. They do sneak up on me from time to time like a sucker punch to the ribs and knock the breath out of me and leave me reeling, but I have learned how to manage it and put the demons back in their cage so that I can carry on with the life that I have to keep living. One thing that hasn't changed is how damn much I miss that boy. My eyes water just typing that sentence. I never knew that missing someone could actually be physically painful, that there is a longing so deep it feels like your stomach is being ripped out. I miss so much about him, his big brown eyes that looked into a soul so much older than his 3 years, his sweet hugs and kisses, the way he danced when he had to go pee, his bed head hair in the morning, the way he adored Katie, the sound of their voices laughing and yelling and playing and fighting, his hammer punch, his love of Ninja Turtles, animals and especially sharks, how shy and quiet he was around people he didn't know, his light-up-a-room smile, the feel of his little fingers squeezing my arm like he so often did. I was the only "security object" he ever needed. He was so different than both Katie and Kobe, he had such a unique personality that was all his own and I loved - love - him so much. There aren't words to describe how much I miss him and the void his absence has left in my life. How I would love to see what he would look like now, 5 years old, no longer a baby at all, taller, older...what would his voice sound like now? What would he be into now? As the years pass sometimes I feel like I am losing him all over again, year after year. I didn't just lose my 3 year old, I lost him at every age I won't get to see him grow into. His birthday and this day always remind me of that.
I think people sometimes are afraid to bring him up, like I'm not thinking about him and by saying his name they will "remind" me of him and hurt me somehow. That couldn't be further from the truth. I don't really know how to describe it but the best way I can explain is like this... If you have kids, do you forget about them if you are away from them for a couple hours? Of course not right? Your children are a part of you, even when you aren't with them. You are always thinking of them and even when you are distracted with something else, they never leave your subconscious - you are always aware of them, even in your sleep or busiest moment. That's how it is with Kyle, he is in my realm of awareness just as much as my living children. He is always in my thoughts, when I think of "my kids" there are always 3 names, 3 faces. Just because he isn't physically with me, he is still "with" me just as much as his brother and sister.
Well this turned out to be much longer than I planned, I have so much I need to do today, we are flying to Colorado tomorrow and there are a lot of last minute details I have to take care of here. Of course my life seems to take Murphy's Law to a whole new level (you don't even want to know about our day of packing and lost keys and sawing locks off yesterday!) and now both Katie and Kobe have high fevers and are really sick today. My kids hardly ever get sick and I can't even figure out where they got this from, but of course if they are going to come down with something it is going to be the day before we have to fly. Sigh. Well I'm off to take the dog to the vet so she can get cleared to fly :)
3 comments:
I don't think I've seen that picture of Kyle till today. Reading your words made me tear up. I can't imagine what you are going through but reading that made me feel maybe a nano-ounce of what it might be like. You are the strongest, most amazing mother I know.
Christine, I cannot put into words the depth of the pain I feel for a boy I never met and was taken so cruelly from you. I wish I could somehow give him back to you - perhaps that's what strives me to ensure that the foundation is a big a success and possible; how I get such a sense of peace seeing another child being put into a harnessed seat - all because of Kyle.
I wish it wasn't 'because of Kyle' because if that were the case, he would still be with you and you would still be feeling his hugs and kisses, and seeing those milestones and moments that you don't have the opportunity to have with him.
Kyle was truly an angel on earth. Has has touched so many lives and will continue to do so.
You are an amazing mother to be able to do everything you can - to not be 'in that loony bin'. It takes incredible strength and I am forever in awe at you and Kevin.
Christine, I know we don't know each other personally, but I wanted to thank you for always being so open and honest when sharing your heart. You are such a gifted writer to be able to express your thoughts and emotions so eloquently. It often leads me to tears when I read about your love for Kyle, your pain and suffering, and your devotion to your children.
You once wrote me in an email that "my insight into what it is like to live after losing a child is incredible." I will probably never completely understand what it is like to lose a child as precious as Kyle. And before reading this post I would have thought the old adage "time heals all wounds" would hold true. But when you wrote, "As the years pass sometimes I feel like I am losing him all over again, year after year. I didn't just lose my 3 year old, I lost him at every age I won't get to see him grow into," you gave me so much more insight than I ever imagined was possible. I am even more inspired by your strength and courage, the work you do through the foundation, and your devotion to your family and children. YOU make ME want to be a better mom!! Kyle, Katie, and Kobe are blessed to have you as their mother. I am sure Kyle is up in Heaven smiling down at his beautiful mother with so much pride for all that she has accomplished in his name and for being so devoted to his big sis and little bro.
Perhaps our paths will cross one day and I can personally thank you for helping me keep my kids safer on the roads and for always inspiring me to do more for my children. If not, I can't wait to meet precious little Kyle in Heaven and thank him myself for his wonderful gift.
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