Our week in SA

I have to say that no matter where I live, San Antonio will always feel like home. Everything is just so familiar and of course all my family is there. I could do without the heat and humidity (I've been spoiled by mountain weather!) but besides that it was a wonderful week. I REALLY enjoyed seeing all my family and friends and didn't realize just how much I missed them until I saw them all again. My cousin Franchesca was in town visiting with her adorable twin boys that are only 3 months older than Kobe and it was so cute watching the 3 of them toddle around and play together. We also got to see a lot of our really good friends and that was a lot of fun as well. Unfortunately it rained almost everyday so we didn't get to go as many places as we hoped, but we did get to go swimming and most of got to spend time with our loved ones. If I could I find a way to get everyone to move to Colorado, I would be so happy! Um and we need to get Bill Miller's and Alamo Cafe here too! I sure miss good BarBQ and Mexican food!!!

Anyway, I was really looking forward to getting some pictures of Kyle off my mom's computer but her computer wasn't running so I guess I'll have to dig out the old picture CDs I have so I can put something together for my angel boy. Boy have I been missing him a LOT lately too, I was watching some home movies of him last night and just lost it. I haven't cried like that in a while. Sometimes I just "feel" him closer and more intensely than others and the missing just rips my heart out. I just wish so badly I could, even for one moment, hold ALL my children in my arms together.

Well it looks like we may be switching vehicles YET AGAIN, ugh. I just don't think we are going to be able to fit 3 carseats across in the Lexus. I never really realized how narrow it is. Katie doesn't want to sit by herself in the 3rd row...so back to the drawing board. I'd love to get an LX but there is no way I'm dropping 50 grand for a freakin car, so I'm thinking maybe a 4x4 Sequoia. We'll see. So anyone wanna buy a GX?? :)

Well Kobe is up from his nap, the stupid dog (Lilly) jumped on the bed and woke him up - UGHHHHH - so that's all the time I get.

This is what happens when you have a big sister...

Katie decided to put on a play today and needed another princess...guess who got the job? :) His name is "Princess Fabian", lol, I have no idea how she came up with that one!

Anyway, I am going to post about our trip later but "Princess" needs a nap & I just had to post these now. :)

Katie Rose

Pics of my "baby" girl who is getting SO big!

Baby Katie (Kobe with pigtails? LOL)

Baby Katie w/ her piggy buns

Funny "mad" face

Crazy Katie....my little monkey

Competing at a gymnastics meet

Pretty girl at the playground

Soccer Game

1st Grade

Cheerleader

Making a Gingerbread house after cheering at a game (hence the megaphone tatoo)

Not slowed down by a broken ankle

Riding a 2-wheeler

Looking so much older on her 7th birthday, with her grown up front teeth

Her favorite place in the whole world.....on a horse

Summer fun in Montana

I can't believe how grown up my little girl is getting, she looks, acts and talks so much older than I think she should. In my mind, she is still a baby but there in no denying that she is growing up..fast! It's neat as she gets older, I can remember myself at her age and relate to her on a whole new level now. She is such a sweet kid, she loves horses, singing, gymnastics, soccer, playing outside, nintendo & swimming. She has no concern for her appearance (she'd run around with a rat's nest for hair every day if I let her), manners or boys...thank goodness for that last one. I'd say she's definitely what you'd call a "tomboy", very athletic and not at all into "girly" stuff (no matter how many dresses and ribbons I make her wear)! She is the most amazing big sister and always plays with Kobe and keeps him in stitches laughing. I love her so much, she has such a silly, unique personality and blows me away with her mature insight sometimes. She's my sweet, loving, messy, athletic, smart girl and I can't imagine my life without her. Having her with me is a miracle because I could have easily lost her in the accident too and watching her grow up is a gift I treasure beyond measure. I so look forward to guiding her, teaching her and watching her grow into the amazing, beautiful woman I know she is going to be. She is my first, my only daughter and my miracle and I am so blessed to have her.

We are flying to San Antonio tomorrow and I am looking forward to getting some of my mom's pictures of Kyle together and creating a post for him next. :)

Kobe-kins...

Pics of my future heartbreaker :)

Serious Kobe
So Handsome
Beautiful Eyes....dirty cookie face :)

So happy - even when he's sick :)

Cookie Monster

Gorgeous Boy

Hot day!

Such kissable cheeks!

Getting so tall

This little boy lights up my world. He is so sweet and affectionate and loves to get & give hugs and kisses. He's so funny and silly and LOVES music, he dances around when ever he hears a tune - and he's got some pretty good moves! He loves animals just like his big brother and maybe I'm biased but I think he is just so freakin cute! There just aren't words for the amount of love, happiness and joy he brings into our lives and I love him so much sometimes I feel like I'm going to explode just looking at him!

Pickles & Ice Cream

I am a walking stereotype. I laughed out loud when I realized what I had just eaten in the past half hour.... a half a dill pickle and yep, Ben & Jerry's (Chocolate Fudge Brownie to be exact) :) I was sitting there, eating out of the ice cream carton, checking my email and looked over and saw the jar of pickles still sitting there on the table. I think in 4 pregnancies this is the first time I have ACTUALLY had pickles & ice cream. I didn't even realize I had done it until halfway through the ice cream when I saw the pickle jar sitting there still open. Which reminds me, I have become such a slob lately! I don't know what my problem is but I just cannot get motivated to clean up, do dishes, laundry, etc. Can I blame it on being pregnant? I love pregnancy, it is the perfect catch-all excuse, lol. Seriously though, my house is a mess, the dishes are starting to pile up in the sink, I need to do laundry and pack for our trip.....but I just can't seem to find the time or energy to do it. On the other hand, I have had a wonderful day with the kids, I have read several books to Kobe, wrestled, ticked and played with him, danced with him and made him & Katie a really yummy lunch. I've worked with Katie on all her homeschool stuff, given her my undivided attention while she read a book to me, laid with her on the couch and talked for quite a long time, helped her with her math and worked with her for a long time on her cursive handwriting. So it's not like I've been doing nothing all day, it just seems like there isn't enough time to spend with the kids and keep up with the house and the chores. Then when I get a bit of a break and Kobe takes a nap (like now), that is my only time to catch up on emails, relax, post on here :), etc. Sigh. I need a live-in maid.

Ok I'm going to finish my ice cream and go do some dishes....

Deepest Gratitude

As I was lying next to Kobe tonight putting him to bed, I continued to lay there after he had fallen asleep. As I layed there watching him sleep, feeling the warmth of his skin against mine, watching his little chest rise and fall with each breath and listening to the soft noise of his breathing, I was washed over, like I often am, with the awareness of how incredibly, deeply grateful I am to have him next to me, warm and breathing. I flashbacked to memories of laying in the hospital bed next to Kyle, feeling the coldness of his skin and willing with ever fiber of my being to feel his chest to rise with a breath. Wishing and praying as hard as I could for a breath, a movement, to see life come back to him. Not really even then comprehending what his death meant. Death means gone...forever. In one second, a person that you love with all your heart can be taken away. You can't go back and change it, you can't fix it...they are gone and they stay gone. The years roll by and they are just not there, not growing up, not eating at the table, not laughing, not hugging, not making messes, not playing, not doing all the wonderful little things children do that can so easily be taken for granted. I thought about how fragile life really is and how grateful I am to have my other children still with me. As tears rolled down my cheeks, I hugged Kobe closer and said a prayer, the only words I could manage.. "Please don't take another one of my babies"... Then I thought of the Cobles, I wrote about them in a previous blog, they lost all three of their children in a car accident...and I realized how, in spite of my loss of my sweet Kyle, how incredibly lucky I am and how much I have to be grateful for. I tried to image my life with Katie and Kobe gone too, no children in my life or arms at all. My blood ran cold and started crying harder and kissing Kobe's sweet, baby-shampoo smelling head over and over.

I am so grateful. Grateful for the 3 wonderful years I had with Kyle, the fact that his death was quick and painless when so many other children's deaths aren't. Grateful for the fact that I can get pregnant so easily, when so many others can't. Grateful to have had healthy pregnancies and babies, when so many others dont. DEEPLY grateful that Katie and Kobe are still here, growing up and in my arms every day, when some parents arms are empty. Grateful that I have a wonderful husband I love, who is still with me, when so many others have lost their spouse either to death or divorce. Grateful that my parents and grandparents are still here and still healthy and that I have had so many wonderful years with them. Depsite the tremendous loss that I have endured, I am deeply grateful - more than I ever was before I experienced loss - for the wonderful people in my life that I love so much.

Through my pain and loss, I have realized that love is the only thing that matters, it is the only thing worth living for. Material possesions, all the trivial things that seem to be so important in our society are hollow, empty pursuits that will never bring true happiness. I got to thinking of this poem/quote that my parents had up on our wall when I was a kid and how much more I understand it now than I did back then (but even then it left an impression on me, I remember reading it many, many times growing up). It is by Ralph Waldo Emerson and it goes like this:

"What Is Success"

"To laugh often and much;
To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children;
To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends;
To appreciate beauty;
To find the best in others;
To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition;
To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived;
This is to have succeeded."

.

and this is probably one of my all time favorite quotes:

"One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: that word is love." - Sophocles

.

I just find so much truth in those words. I think that if all I have done in my life is truly loved and been loved in return, and spent my life making the people I love my biggest priority and doing what I can to make the world a bit better place, then I think I have found success and happiness beyond measure.

.

Well Katie wrote a song and wants me to listen to it, so I better go...and I think I will really stop and listen and appreciate her beautiful voice more than usual tonight. :)

Baby Names

I have been trying to think of baby names for this new little peanut and am kind of stuck. I want to keep with the tradition of the "K" names. It's funny that whole thing kind of got started on accident but now I feel like it would be weird to change it. We can't have Katie, Kyle, Kobe and...Bob, lol (not that I'd name my kid Bob but you know what I mean) Soooooo, if we are stuck with K names, for a boy I like:

Kaden "Kade" for a nickname - is it too close to Katelyn/Katie in sound though? Kaden - Katelyn - those sound pretty similar, as do Kade and Katie. Ugh, this is my favorite boy name but I think it won't work because of that.

Kagen "Kage" for a nickname (pronounced like "cage") - Kevin likes this one but I'm on the fence about it.

I liked the names Koen and Korbin for a boy but ended combining them to come up with Koben's name so now both of those would be too close to his name to use.

I also like Caleb, it's C instead of a K, but the sound is the same so I think it's ok.

Ummm, that's about it for boys...

For girls I like:

Kelsey/Kelsie - not sure which spelling I like better

Kiera/Kira - again, not sure on the spelling

...and that's about it for girls, not a lot I know and I'm really not "in love" with any of the boys or girls names like I was with my other kids. The more kids you have, the harder it is to come up with new names! I've used up the ones I really like already! Then there is the whole middle name issue...I'd like to somehow honor Kyle with the middle name (boy or girl) since this baby wouldn't exist if it wasn't for him but I've already used his middle name for Kobe, do I use it again for another boy? I thought about using "Kyle" as the middle name but I think it would sound weird with a K first name. Ugh, I'm stumped.

Suggestions welcome!

Random Thoughts...

Picture of the playground half finished - we now have a sandbox under the upper deck and are putting up an attached swingset on the left side, are going to put railroad ties all around it and fill the whole area with pea gravel.

I know I've said it about 100 times, but I just can never seem to get over how incredibly beautiful it is here! I am sitting here on the way-too-comfy outdoor futon swing (gotta love wireless internet), the kids are both happily playing in the sandbox on the playground, it is 72 degrees with a light breeze, the smell of pine and the sound of running water from the stream and birds chirping are so relaxing. It seriously sounds like one of those relaxing nature sounds CDs you buy. You look around and all you see are huge, beautiful pine and aspen trees swaying in the breeze. It's really easy to not get anything done around here! Should I be inside doing dishes or laundry or cleaning? Yes. But why would I want to go inside when it's so darn beautiful out here??! Maybe in the winter it will be different but for now I am in love with this place, it is one of the most beautiful, serene, relaxing places I have ever been - and I get to LIVE here! I feel so lucky and thankful for that. I can't tell you how incredibly glad I am that we decided to move out here instead of in the city. Every time we drive into Denver and see the hundreds of thousands of track homes all packed in next to each other and get stuck in the never ending traffic and the 100 degree temps, I thank my lucky stars that we chose to move where we did. The coolest part is that we still have all the city conveniences out here, they just aren't crowded like they are in the city! Plus there are all kinds of neat mom & pop shops in addition to the big franchise places (like Starbucks, Staples, Safeway, Chilli's and all kinds of other really great restaurants) , all of which are minutes from our house. It really is the best of both worlds. I can't believe I lived my whole life and never knew a place this awesome existed, I know there is no way I could go back to city life after this. I've been spoiled. :)

~

So Kobe is my third child, I've breastfed them all, you'd think I'd know how to wean this boy but I haven't a clue! Katie and Kyle both took bottles along with breastfeeding so I just slowly replaced nursing with bottles, but Kobe always has refused bottles, coupled with the fact that he LOVES nursing (I swear, you should see the way his eyes roll back and flutter and the huge sigh of contentment he makes when he latches on), I just don't know how to wean him! It's the way he "centers" himself, sometimes when he is really grumpy and just in a bad mood he will come up and ask for milk and nurse for about 2 minutes and come away a whole different baby, happy and content. I don't know what to replace that with. He still nurses a LOT and now that I am pregnant it is starting to hurt and I know it's really hard on my body to make milk for him and make a baby. I've lost 6 pounds since I found out I was pregnant. That can't be good right? So I'm off to the store today to get some goat's milk and bottles and try to see if I get him to take one for his nap today. I have loved nursing him, I actually still do, but I think, because of the new baby, it's time to stop or at least cut way back. Do they have a boob-aholics anonymous? I think Kobe might need a support group to break his serious milk addiction, lol. I think we're in for some unhappy days and sleepless nights for a while but hopefully it won't be too hard. We'll see...

~

Me and the kids leave on Sunday to fly to San Antonio! I am so excited and really miss my family a LOT and can't wait to see them. My cousin is also coming in from Guadalajara with her twin boys that are really close in age to Kobe, so it will be really fun to see them all play together. We are going to stay there all week while Kevin is in Ohio on a business trip, then he will meet us there on Fri. evening and stay the weekend and we will all fly back home together. The only problem is what to do with our dogs. It is really expensive to board them somewhere for a whole week and I feel weird about doing the whole "pet sitter" thing and giving a key to our house to a perfect stranger and trusting them to actually come every day. Sigh. I guess I better figure something out soon.

~

Well I need to make lunch for the kiddos and get Katie back to work on her school stuff - she's had an extra long "recess", man I love homeschooling :), so I guess I'll have to go inside for a while. Sigh. It's almost "too" gorgeous here, it makes you lazy!

TONS more pics from our trip...

http://kcmillerfamily.shutterfly.com/action/?a=2KaNGLRkxY_8&notag=1

We're Home!!

It's always nice to go on vacations but there is just nothing like coming home. :) I realized while we were gone how much I love our new home, I started missing it almost immediately after we left! Anyway, we are back now and trying to get back into the swing of things. Today is "supposed" to be a school day but we are being lazy and just hanging out, enjoying the gorgeous weather and being back in our own place.

Anyway, the trip was really fun, hot, but fun. Who knew it gets up into the 100's in Montana??! It also stays light till like 10:30pm, very strange! It was really nice to see all of Kevin's family and the kids had a lot of fun playing with all their cousins and their Great-Uncle's horses. Kobe was OBSESSED with the horses, we couldn't keep him out of the stable! He started making a horse "sound" - if you ask him what a horse says, he goes "pbbbbbbb" (blowing his lips and making them vibrate) - it's hilarious. Everytime he'd see the horses he would do it over and over and over... He also does the dog noise "woofwoofwoof" while shaking his head up and down. There were lots of dogs and horses there so you can imagine how often we heard their "sounds" from Kobe... It's still cute the 500th time though. :) The drive back was quite an experience, we had a blow out diaper in the middle of Nowhereville, Wyoming (man that state is a whole lot of NOTHING!) and had to try and clean Kobe and his carseat on the shoulder of the road. That was fun. Then of course Katie had to go the bathroom like every 15 minutes... Ah, traveling with kids...it's always interesting. All in all it was a good trip though and I'm glad we went.

Well, a picture is worth a thousand words right? Then I'll save us some time and a few thousand words describing it all and just post some pics from the trip... :)

Guys 9 mile hike to the top of the mountain

Me & Katie

Kobe in his favorite place :)

Kevin tubing on the river - looks like trying to keep his butt out of the ice cold water, lol (he took Katie while I stayed at the hotel w/ Kobe)

The whole family

Katie riding Missy

Kobe & his cousin Jacob riding the horse

Katie & her cousin Bailey (they played together all week)

Me & Kobe

It's like Christmas.....tons of Kyle pictures!

I used to have an old shutterfly account that I would upload all my pictures of Katie & Kyle to. After the accident I quit using it and I had forgotten all about it until yesterday. I couldn't remember the log in info so I emailed shutterfly and they just sent it to me. I logged on and couldn't believe all the pictures that were there! Some of them I hadn't seen in years! I've been having so much fun looking at all the old pictures and thought maybe you would too :) So here it is:

http://katieandkyle.shutterfly.com/action/

We are in Montana!

I think I forgot to officially mention that we were going to Montana for Kevin's family reunion this week. We are here and having a really great time, there are tons of kids for Katie and Kobe to play with and they are having a blast. Being around all these kids really drives it home that Kyle isn't here though, running and playing with them. Some of the kids are around the same age as Kyle and have grown and changed so much since the last reunion 2 years ago. It breaks my heart to see them grow because I know how much we are missing with Kyle. I'd give anything to see all 3 of my children running, playing and laughing together with all their cousins.

Oh guess what?! Great news.....Aslan has been found!!!! A really nice guy saw the fliers and recognized him and went out and was able to get a leash on him and bring him back to his house. He runs a dog rescue so he said he didn't mind holding on to him till we get back. We are SO relieved and happy!

I have to say, I am really enjoying all my friend's blogs, it is such a great way to stay updated with everyone's lives. I find myself looking forward to reading them the way I look forward to a new Dean Koontz book (and if you know what a huge Dean Koontz fan I am, that is saying a LOT!) I love you guys and really enjoy your blogs, it is the next best thing to being able to hang out with you all....so keep those posts coming! :) Also, if you are one of my friend's who haven't started a blog yet - please start one! I want to stay current on all my friend's busy lives and this is such a great medium to do so.

Anyway, I don't have a lot of time to get on the computer so I probably won't be able to update here or answer emails till we get back on Sun or Mon. I'll post a big update with tons of pictures from the trip then though. :)

P.S. Here are a bunch of pics from the past month: http://kcmillerfamily.shutterfly.com/action/?a=2KaNGLRkxY90

Pictures from the 4th

Well if you read my previous blog, you know how our 4th of July ended but prior to that we had a really fun day. We hung out with Kevin's family, had BarBQ and the kids played outside all day. Here are some pics from the day. :)

Yum...Watermelon!

Kobe LOVED bouncing on the baby trampoline
Katie & her 2nd cousin William
Fun in the pool
Kobe (15 months) & William (22 months)

Aslan is missing :(

I am heartbroken and miss my puppy. We decided to take Aslan and Lily with us to Kevin's grandparents house for the 4th of July. He needs to socialize so we thought it would be the perfect opportunity to have him meet a lot of people. We gave him a bath (what an experience that was!) and got him brushed all shiny and nice and off we went. He was great all day, he stayed right with us and whenever we went inside we put him in the little penned off area to keep him safe. Well when I was inside nursing Kobe and putting him to bed, Kevin decided to let the dogs out of the pen right when the fireworks were going off...then left with Katie to go down the street to see some other fireworks. Apparently the loud noises scared Aslan and with nobody he knew around, he bolted. When Kevin got back with Katie and couldn't find him, he came inside and told me and we all went looking for him. We looked on foot and in the car for hours, I called him until my voice was hoarse. At midnight we were exhausted and didn't want to drive back to Denver without him so we got a motel for the night. We got up really early and searched again, we went to the Humane Society..twice. We made 100 fliers with his picture on them and put them up everywhere. Last night when we were about to leave to go back home, Kevin's aunt called and said she saw him walking in the road in her neighborhood (a couple miles away from his grandparent's house.) We raced over there but she had lost him in the bushes by the time we got there. We stayed till 1:00am driving around, calling and looking for him....but he was nowhere to be found. I am just so sad and worried about him. I know he must be terrified, alone and hungry, not knowing where we are or where he is..... he is only 5 months old. Of course this has to happen right before we are supposed to go on a week long trip to Montana for Kevin's family reunion. We were going to take him with us because we didn't even want to leave him in a pet hotel and now instead we have to leave him roaming on the streets alone not knowing if we will ever see him again. :(

Holy Hail!

We had a CrAzY hail storm late this afternoon. It started out slow and then picked up to the point where it was coming down so hard and fast it was deafening. I have never seen hail come down that fast, the only way I can describe it is "angry", the sky just let it rip! It was coming down so hard it was knocking the pinecones out of the trees and they were falling everywhere. It was so cool, I think we must have said "Oh my Gosh" about 50 times. We had all the windows and doors open and stood there watching it totally fascinated. The weather up here is nuts and SO much fun! I love storms, when I was a kid my dad used to take me up to Helotes and watch the storms develop and I guess that is where that fascination started, I loved watching the lightening light up the sky and hearing the thunder and smelling the rain. Experiencing it up here, the way the storms form over the mountains right on top of us, is like watching it in high-def!

Bailey Day

So Bailey is a little town about 20 minutes west of us. We had been seeing ads in all the local magazines for a big celebration called "Bailey Day", there was going to be booths, stuff for the kids, live music, etc. - the kind of thing we love to do. So on Saturday we packed up the kids and headed out. It was fun but really hot, which sounds funny coming from a Texan. I don't know if we have already gotten spoiled by the cool mountain weather and are turning into wimps or what but we could only stay about an hour because it was so hot and then retreated back to the top of our mountain! It's amazing how hot it can get at the lower elevations, Denver gets into the 100's! It's just as bad as Texas in the summer down there, that totally suprised me. The nice thing is, while Denver is sweltering at 100 degrees, it is only in the 80's up here with a cool breeze. I am sooooo glad we decided to move here instead of Denver. Although the nice thing is that if we want to take the kids swimming or to a water park, we can just head down the hill and it is definitely hot enough! I thought when we moved to CO our swimming days were over, but I guess not!

Well Kevin leaves tonight for a business trip to Ohio, I'm so bummed that he has to go. He'll be back on Tues night, so I'm on my own with the kids till then. :( I hate being alone in the house at night, I'm really glad we have Aslan though, I think I'll feel a lot safer with him around.

Speaking of Aslan, he and Lily are driving me nuts! We have an acre and a half of land and where do they choose to pee and poop? In the freakin driveway! Ugh, seriously dogs! The UPS guy came by on Fri and I met him out in the driveway and it was so embarrasing, it looked (and smelled) like a herd of elephants defecated all over our driveway. I have been picking their poop up and throwing farther out in the yard where I want them to go but they still aren't getting the hint. All the other dogs in the neighborhood seem to though, we had 3 different dogs in the past 2 days come and poop in our yard. Every time has been when Aslan was locked up on the deck. I hear him barking and going nuts so I go out there to see some dog crapping in our yard. Nice. I let him off the deck and he chases them off but they already left their "gifts" behind. Once we have the invisible fence up and he can stay down in the yard all the time, I know he won't let them come onto our property. He's really good about chasing them off once he's down there, I just have to keep him on the deck when we aren't out there for now. He's such an amazing guard dog, he sounds and looks terrifying when he's defending his property.... then he comes running back to us with a big goofy grin, his tongue hanging out and his tail wagging. I love that dog, even if he poops in my driveway. :)