Deepest Gratitude

As I was lying next to Kobe tonight putting him to bed, I continued to lay there after he had fallen asleep. As I layed there watching him sleep, feeling the warmth of his skin against mine, watching his little chest rise and fall with each breath and listening to the soft noise of his breathing, I was washed over, like I often am, with the awareness of how incredibly, deeply grateful I am to have him next to me, warm and breathing. I flashbacked to memories of laying in the hospital bed next to Kyle, feeling the coldness of his skin and willing with ever fiber of my being to feel his chest to rise with a breath. Wishing and praying as hard as I could for a breath, a movement, to see life come back to him. Not really even then comprehending what his death meant. Death means gone...forever. In one second, a person that you love with all your heart can be taken away. You can't go back and change it, you can't fix it...they are gone and they stay gone. The years roll by and they are just not there, not growing up, not eating at the table, not laughing, not hugging, not making messes, not playing, not doing all the wonderful little things children do that can so easily be taken for granted. I thought about how fragile life really is and how grateful I am to have my other children still with me. As tears rolled down my cheeks, I hugged Kobe closer and said a prayer, the only words I could manage.. "Please don't take another one of my babies"... Then I thought of the Cobles, I wrote about them in a previous blog, they lost all three of their children in a car accident...and I realized how, in spite of my loss of my sweet Kyle, how incredibly lucky I am and how much I have to be grateful for. I tried to image my life with Katie and Kobe gone too, no children in my life or arms at all. My blood ran cold and started crying harder and kissing Kobe's sweet, baby-shampoo smelling head over and over.

I am so grateful. Grateful for the 3 wonderful years I had with Kyle, the fact that his death was quick and painless when so many other children's deaths aren't. Grateful for the fact that I can get pregnant so easily, when so many others can't. Grateful to have had healthy pregnancies and babies, when so many others dont. DEEPLY grateful that Katie and Kobe are still here, growing up and in my arms every day, when some parents arms are empty. Grateful that I have a wonderful husband I love, who is still with me, when so many others have lost their spouse either to death or divorce. Grateful that my parents and grandparents are still here and still healthy and that I have had so many wonderful years with them. Depsite the tremendous loss that I have endured, I am deeply grateful - more than I ever was before I experienced loss - for the wonderful people in my life that I love so much.

Through my pain and loss, I have realized that love is the only thing that matters, it is the only thing worth living for. Material possesions, all the trivial things that seem to be so important in our society are hollow, empty pursuits that will never bring true happiness. I got to thinking of this poem/quote that my parents had up on our wall when I was a kid and how much more I understand it now than I did back then (but even then it left an impression on me, I remember reading it many, many times growing up). It is by Ralph Waldo Emerson and it goes like this:

"What Is Success"

"To laugh often and much;
To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children;
To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends;
To appreciate beauty;
To find the best in others;
To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition;
To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived;
This is to have succeeded."

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and this is probably one of my all time favorite quotes:

"One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life: that word is love." - Sophocles

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I just find so much truth in those words. I think that if all I have done in my life is truly loved and been loved in return, and spent my life making the people I love my biggest priority and doing what I can to make the world a bit better place, then I think I have found success and happiness beyond measure.

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Well Katie wrote a song and wants me to listen to it, so I better go...and I think I will really stop and listen and appreciate her beautiful voice more than usual tonight. :)