There are memories that exist in my mind that are so horrible they can only be described as your worst nightmare coming true. I have horrific flashbacks that pop into my head and they are just as clear and real as the day it happened. "It" being the day my son was killed. The way I saw my child that day, bloody and broken, is something that no parent should ever have to witness. It's a constant battle against these memories and visions - the darkness. It's always an ongoing challenge to block them out and try to only remember the good. As time goes on, I have gotten better at it but no matter what, those memories are always there threatening to pop into my mind and bring me to my knees with grief and pain in the blink of an eye. As the anniversary of Kyle's death approaches, this darkness seems to get bigger and bigger, like a cloud passing over the sun. The memories of that horrible day and the contrastingly wonderful days leading up to it are so vivid.
The night before the accident was the closing night of the play "Proof" that I was starring in, truly one of the happiest nights of my life. The soundtrack that the director used for the play was all songs by ColdPlay. Ever since the accident I just cannot listen to ColdPlay, if it comes on the radio I immediately change the channel. For some reason it just brings everything back so intensely that I can't handle it. The joy and happiness of my life one moment and the complete shock and devastation of losing my child the next day. One time I was checking out at the grocery store and one of the songs from the play came on and I almost lost it right there. I had tears running down my face while I was swiping my card and getting my cart. I'm sure everyone there thought I was nuts. Anyway this year is the 3rd anniversary of Kyle's death which means soon he will have been gone longer than he was here. I feel like it's time I start trying to face some of the things I have been trying to block so that I can heal and move forward without constantly trying to fight to keep things suppressed. So for the first time in 3 years I sat down and listened to those songs. The hardest one for me is called "Clocks" it was the closing song of the play and literally the last song I heard before Kyle died. I still remember standing on stage that night, taking my final bow and feeling like everything in my life was so perfect and being so overwhelmingly happy. The next day everything came crashing down...and for some reason those songs just really bring it all back.
When I sat down and listened to the songs again yesterday, it was very hard but also strangely healing. I started noticing the lyrics from "Clocks", the last song of the play and the last song of my life with Kyle. I thought some of the lyrics were well, poignant, ironic, I'm not sure how to describe them ...here they are:
Lights go out and I cant be saved
Tides that I tried to swim against
Brought me down upon my knees
Oh I beg, I beg and plead
Singin, come out if things arent said
Shoot an apple off my head
And a, trouble that cant be named
Tigers waitin to be tamed
Singing, yooooooooooooo ohhhhhh
Yoooooooooooo ohhhhhh
Confusion never stops
Closing walls and ticking clocks
Gonna, come back and take you home
I could not stop that you now know
Home, home, where I wanted to go
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c9j_RZDqYc4
5 comments:
I hope and pray that your road to healing is swift and easy. I know that there are man things that make you think of Kyle and bring you to your knees. If somehow you can instead make a positive association and picture little Kaleb's face when you hear those songs maybe it won't hurt as bad.
xoxo
thinking of you this weekend.
I will never be able to experience the horrible images and memories you had to live through and live with. I can only hope and pray that over time the positive memories will remain vivid and the dark ones will become clouded.
I'm so sorry those songs have such a powerful affect on you that you can't bear to hear them. The song you chose for Kyle's video always makes me tear up.
Since learning about Kyle, I have always thought of you whenever I hear "Fix You" by ColdPlay...I don't know why seeing as how I never knew that about you before.
Thinking of you especially this weekend....HUGS
I love that song. Glad you listened to it.
I remember watching Kyle and Katie while you would go to practice for your play.
I hate it now when things go too well for us because it makes me think bad things are about to happen.
Hang in there. Kyle has brought so many great things in this world that most won't in their whole lifetime. Amazing isn't it?
Music is very powerful - it brings about feelings and emotions inside of us. Some are good, while some are sad. Like Angela, I cannot listen to "Far Away" without tearing up. It will forever make me think of your sweet boy.
I know this is a hard month for you, with a hard weekend coming up. I will keep you in my prayers.
Sweetheart - I wish I could make the darkness disappear, but I know I cannot. I know that it will always be there and the images of that day can too quickly and easily come to mind.
Kyle is with you and will comfort you - he's hugging Mommy all the time....I just know it!
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