Something about being back in San Antonio always brings up a lot of memories and emotions for me. My mom has tons of pictures of all the kids up around the house and just being back here where I have so many memories with Kyle and seeing his pictures everywhere just makes me miss him so much. I just imagine what it would be like now, with 4 kids all running around. He would be turning 7 this year. SEVEN! I can't even believe that. He'd be in 1st grade this year, losing baby teeth, learning to read. I try to picture him now, taller and older but with those same beautiful brown eyes and silky dark hair and sometimes I can imagine it but other times the image just won't come to me and I think that hurts the most. Feeling like he is slipping away, that I can't even imagine our life with him anymore. I have no idea what my own son would be like now. I miss my 3 year old son that I knew so well and love so much and mourn losing him but I also deeply mourn not knowing my 6 year old son - and I do have a 6 year old son - and not being able to imagine him in my life like he should be. Sometimes when I look at a picture of him and he comes back to me so clearly, it still seems so surreal and impossible that this is actually our reality. That he is really gone. I just want him back so bad, I don't want to keep moving on without him here. I want my other boys to know their big brother. I want Katie to have her buddy back. I want my bubby back in my arms and in my life, playing, laughing, growing....
I'm conflicted on whether or not to go to the cemetary while we are here. Isn't that a horrible problem to have? To have to decide whether or not to visit your child's grave. I feel a strong obligation to go but I really hate being there. I don't like to think of him like that, in the ground. I like to think of him in a spiritual sense and around me all the time. But what kind of mother doesn't visit her son's grave? In the end I'm sure I'll go and take flowers and cry my eyes out like I usually do. I just hate all of this so much. I just want my son back and all of this pain and grief to end. No matter how much happiness I have in my life, for the rest of my life, there will always be a Kyle shaped hole in it that can never be filled.
4 comments:
Christine I wish I could just give you a hug and take all that heartache away :(
I don't think any mother who chooses not to visit her child's grave is a bad mother -- not at all. She knows that her child is not there waiting for her to visit, but that her child is with her everywhere she goes. So please don't feel bad for having those feelings of not really wanting to go there. You're the best mom -- everyone knows that, especially Kyle.
I could not have said any better than Trina already has. So I'm just gonna send lots of (((HUGS))) your way. Thinking of you and your bubby.
I'm glad you said that because I feel the same exact way when we are in SA. I want to go, I feel like I should go, but I'd rather think of him and honor him in other ways, like handing out his kindness cards.
I imagine Kyle at the age of 6, so tall and slender. His voice so soft. Him being shy, his hair so dark. He's of course absolutely gorgeous.
I've been thinking of Kyle this week also - about how he would be turning 7 next month and trying to imagine what he would be like and look like. I know he would be a handsome little boy and his smile would still light up a room. He would still love his Mummy's arms best for a snuggle and he would be a wonderful big brother to Kobe and Kaleb.
I wish I could hug you and return this handsome boy back to you. It probably sounds very strange that there will always be a Kyle shaped hole in my heart too....
Love you sweetheart!
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